Happy Mothers day for Sunday UK!
Hello again!
Motherhood, the story.
I've just had lovely visit with my big boy, who will always be my baby, even though it's very nearly 34 years since I gave birth to him, in a cold, heartless Army hospital in Germany!
Time flies.
He's off back to Saudi on Mothers day, so the gift of spending any time at all with him, cooking and chatting, was a great alternative to a bunch of flowers. In fact, I won't be seeing any of my three baby birds this Mothers day and of course, Philip, baby daddy, is away and so I've bought myself a few treats to get through the day. I'm also planning a little solo visit to a garden centre, as a gift to self and no I don't want company! Sometimes just being ME, really me for five minutes, not a mother, daughter, wife, friend, sister and so on, is just the ticket and a great reset. I really don't believe we motherships celebrate ourselves enough, do you?
I think one of the most difficult things in life, is letting your children go flap those wings and go from living with them full time, to eventually seeing them just a couple of times a year. It's tough but I still wouldn't clip their wings or whinge about it, I want my children to live their best lives to the full, without worrying about us. I don't want to influence their choices and I don't want them to influence mine. There's keeping them close for all the wrong and selfish reasons. Let them go.
My youngest girl has made the very tough decision, to end her first proper job, because the terms and conditions are not great at all. I'm so proud of her and I'm sure she will find something else, but we are all feeling the pressure, mainly because we are off back to France in just two months time, the race is on. She doesn't want to live in France and I get it. I won't force it, but if she needs support it will have to be given there now.
Of course, I'm glad she wants to make it on her own, as hard as it is in these times. Still, I do want my kids to be able to come home, wherever that may be, but only when they really need it, no questions asked and that makes living in France hard for me, I feel like I'm making my youngest homeless, but I do have to remember, if stuck she can come home even if it doesn't fit her plans.
I do believe that once they have all the skills to survive, we must dial back the financial support and let them experience having to budget and save. Of course we feel guilty, that comes with motherhood as standard, sadly. However, they do benefit from tough love in the end and learn to stand on their own two feet, eventually.
Sometimes, you have to wonder why you continue to shell out and go without? Is it for an easier parenting situation? The fear of loosing them? Either way it's not healthy to prop your kids up in adulthood long term. Back off gently and do learn to say NO without guilt, that's my humble advice. If you pay their rent and living costs, they will shop till they drop and miss out on the basic skills to survive and thrive in this crazy world. Yes its expensive out there and maybe we gave them champagne tastes on their new lemonade budget, that's real life, make them live in it and learn, as our job is now to guide and sometimes help out in an emergency.
I've been a parent nearly 34 years now. Over three decades and it still feels like five minutes! I've experienced so much, good and bad, learning along with each child and I wouldn't change a thing, we can't even though sometimes, we'd love to wave a wand to stop their pain?
My middle girl is sadly, but not surprisingly in crisis again. The authorities have completely failed her and so she is back in prison for round three. It feels hopeless. It is cruel. There's definitely a sense of Deja Vu.
The legal wheels didn't turn quickly enough, to stop her re offending and whilst her social worker did try hard to fight the system for her, the cogs turned way too slowly in the background. The result was that she was left wallowing in an assessment centre and not given the appropriate care we all agreed she needed.
I am her mother, I love her, but I would lock her up in a heart beat and throw away the key, to protect her and the public. Brutal, I know.
Not a situation any mother dreams of.
Motherhood is made up of love, joy, pain and regret in equal amounts, but I find regret pointless, it doesn't change a thing and we can't go back, only forward. I've spent way too many sleepless nights, worrying about things I had no control over and with the realisation I couldn't fix B or live with her, came some kind of peace. What I could do was to continue to advocate for her from a safe distance, visit in her well enough periods and that would have to be enough. I've had to forgive myself for who she turned out to be. Sometimes nature gets it wrong and all we can ever do as parents is to do our best under the circumstances. It's not her fault but it's also not mine.
So please, celebrate your mother status and it doesn't really matter how that looks. It takes a village.
Dx