Learning to stop scrolling and start living......
Updated: Feb 9, 2022
Yes, I'm still doing it, endlessly scrolling out of habit! I will get a grip soon enough, I promise, but already my screen time is way down and I'm starting to fill my time with more of what I love, like or need to get done. I already feel more peaceful, just as I knew I would, I just had to find the balls to make it happen. Still, I really hate the feeling that I'm letting people down but they are grown ups and can manage their own lives.
It will take time to heal of course and time will be needed to loose those bad social media reliance habits, but I just know I won't look back, I'm not going that way. One thing that is very exciting, is that after a recent 'come to Jesus marriage' chat, we are actually planning a holiday, just a him and I holiday, a real bloody holiday! I can't quite believe it. Greece is the destination all being well, I really fancy me a 'Mama Mia' moment! He's never been great at taking leave and or planning ahead, it's high time we did and we have also run out of excuses not to.
Him in Doors turns 55 this year and he's feeling it keenly. Had he stayed in the Armed Forces he would be retiring from the service and so we decided to act as if that were the case, in terms of doing something meaningful to mark the occasion.
However, whilst we do need to spend half a year in France this year, we are also committing to adding in some mini breaks here and there and I really fancy a walking weekend in the Highlands and soon. I feel rather like we have stopped living during the pandemic and also become much like a pair of old comfortable slippers, really boring and tatty!
I know we've all had two years of being at home and not travelling unless necessary, but honestly in 33 years of marriage (this year) we have rarely booked a proper holiday. Obviously we have travelled a lot, more than most, but often it was with his work or to tie in with where he was working. Of course when the oldest two were young, we were more spontaneous as we lived in Germany with the whole of Europe on our doorstep. It was very easy and we soon learnt to enjoy the opportunity to explore Europe rather than feel obliged to go back to the UK visiting. No one ever had house big enough to take us and so 'going home' was always an expensive do!
The strange thing about booking our first proper couple only holiday is the unexpected guilt! I immediately went into planning where our youngest would be! He asked me why I cared, "she's 21 this year and quite able to take care of herself, go travelling with friends or whatever suits"! True. Takes a while to break habits I guess. My son and his girl who have a busy year ahead, are moving in for a month in March before they move into their own first home. That said they have a skiing holiday booked and expect us to look after their dog because we don't generally have a life and they do, that's going to change. We also have two dogs to consider but they will go to kennels and the kids will have to make the same arrangements if we are away, still the guilt is there. We parents get so used to putting the kids first even if one of them turned 32 this year!
These next two years were always going to be super busy on a personal level and one of the reasons I have moved away from Social Media. Also the main reason I didn't need or want another project, I simply can't afford the time! Social media be gone, It really is a time thief. I always aimed to dip in of course and out, but often ended up loosing hours online with not a lot to show for it. Now I find myself with time to spare. Another thing I noticed, is how living online changed my attention span to that of a confused Nat! I even found reading a book difficult as I was so used to reading and writing in quick spurts. It can only get better from here I feel.
Yesterday, him and I walked the dogs and here in the Uk, that pastime is not as relaxing as in France. The UK lacks the space in which to avoid other dogs and walkers! Selfish I know, but I rather miss our French walks of freedom. We have both acknowledged that we miss French life and I guess that cements our future if it was ever in doubt, which it wasn't.
He's going back to France at the weekend for a week to deliver the kitchen and meet with those working on the house. I'm not going this time, but will spend a month or more there from mid March. I had started to get really anxious about how we were going to figure 'the half life' out, but I'm now trying to take a more relaxed approach to things, see how it goes.
I will miss the quintessentially British pub more than anything else when we return to France full time. Yesterday our dog walk turned into an impromptu Sunday lunch at the pub! Nothing like it and also here in the UK my 'Gluten Freeness' isn't that much of an issue and I will certainly miss that! For instance, this morning I got up, made a cuppa tea and then toasted two sliced of GF Warburtons Gluten Free Bread that didn't taste or look like cardboard and on it I spread Tesco's fake Marmite, which is also accidentally Gluten Free! Bliss!
I'm so tired of the politics here in the UK, the government is an absolute farce and Brexit is a disgrace that should never have happened! I like having an opinion on here which I can't have when on social media. I do wonder why the 'Brexiteers' aren't complaining about the NHS waiting lists or where all that extra post Brexit money went? I guess Doris can hide a lot behind the inconvenience of a pandemic! Never mind eh, at least we still have a choice of where we want to live even if it does mean a ton of paperwork! Personally, I'd rather live in a country that still respects family life and is not focused on working us to death.
If I was to write a book and yes that's the plan, at this point it would be so confused. I need time to settle in to life and I need to feel human again. I will do whatever it takes to reclaim my life and put to bed something that was supposed to bring people together, a good thing that nearly cost me everything I had to give.