Updated: Apr 4
white picket fences.......
It's our wedding anniversary month and we have plans afoot to escape at some stage, I hope! Thanks to the passport office shenanigans, it might not be something we achieve this month, unless he managed to beat the ever growing backlog or strike! Cross everything for us!
I also adore Easter, it's Christmas without the presents and the light is better isn't it? I no longer want to go to bed at 4pm and I'm glad of it. I really am that human who's circadian rhythm is very in tune with the seasons. I'm a classic hibernator, a bear with a sore head in winter. Meanwhile, my husband is fiercely challenging the old body clock no matter the season. We are often opposing bed fellows him and I and thats okay. After nearly 34 years of marriage we put up with each others differences best we can. We muck along together okay, mostly. I wish I had his energy, truly.
I do want to normalise how hard a loving marriage is, having just heard of a friend who's just been 'dumped' after 6 months of marriage!!! I mean, sounds like he was in love with the idea of love, but not actually in it for the long haul, for sickness and health and all that! I'm gutted for her. The love of her life isn't some daft teenager, he is in his early fifties, tonnes of life experience and definitely wasn't held to ransom or forced to do anything! In just under 19 months, from that first fateful meet cute, its all over bar the shouting and it's very sad. It's hard to make her realise she's had a lucky early escape and that she's not to blame. All the danger signs where there, but when the love goggles go on, we often fail to see what's right in front of our faces, eh!
Lust can often be mistaken for love, I guess? How insulting though. I'd be livid. She's been duped and is left with more questions than answers. He is clearly a player and moving on at great speed, his next victim in tow already? I've always said, there are easier ways to meet a psychopath than online! Honestly, I have no idea why women want marriage after a certain age? Is it necessary? Why not a civil union, a pact or something like? Protect the hard work you've done on yourself.
My friends life is in tatters after an absolute dream of a wedding! She is left with barely a bean and is instead of sharing her wedding photos that arrived the day he asked for a divorce, she's trying to wade her way through the muddy waters of a shock separation and endless debt. She gave up her career and let her business run down to nothing because thats what he wanted. She's left with a mountain of problems, because of a man who she thought adored her and would protect her. He is sadly a liar who has previous form. She will prevail and to be brutally honest she deserves more than that chancer!
Way back in 1989 when we got hitched, we did whole church, meringue dress palaver and of course with all those relatives we never ever saw again watching on, it was a thing, sort of expected! It was expensive enough and my parents picked up 95% of the bill! I do believe that debt set them back a good few years, but I was blissfully unaware at the time. These days weddings are said to cost 30/50k and frankly that sort of money is just better placed in bricks and mortar! Marriage, back then was also a religious thing, in the eyes of god and all that, but I've grown up a lot since then and I just don't see the need now. Yes to a financial contract, especially important for stay at home mums. Yes to a huge party and a pretty dress! Celebrate your love, your partnership of course, but is the whole white wedding thing outdated?
The reason marriage is so tough in the early days is because we haven't asked each other those difficult questions. Do we have similar thoughts about careers, children, morals, money and so on. Early marriage can often be a car crash if one isn't aware of the other half wants, needs, hopes and spends. Money or lack of it makes marriage a rather wobbly contract indeed and often where it all goes wrong. Why we haven't gotten round to looking at prenups as an everyday part of marriage, I don't know! How we deal with our cash and or debts needs working out in the beginning and not at the end!
Any long term partnership is continuous hard work, always in development. It never ends. Yes, we get more comfortable with each other as we learn who we really are together. Marriage is a permanent work in progress, a life of compromises and we often grow up together, hopefully happily, mostly. I say mostly, because marriages, even the best ones, do suffer moments where things are less than champagne and roses. It's how we roll with the rocky moments, our ability to communicate our feeling without everything going boom that makes the difference between D I V O R C E or not!
How we argue and yes, the best of married couples have disagreements, we are all human after all. Again, it can all be resolved with decent comms and if we learn early on how to give each other space and how to have those difficult conversations, the more chance we have of success. Also, make sure your friends and family do not have a say in your relationship, get them to mind their own beeswax! Interference is one of the biggest issues in marriages. Other peoples opinions are not yours. You didn't marry them, remember that!
My husband and I can be like too angry bulls when we each get a bee under our bonnets. Of course we've mellowed over the years. We married when we hardly knew our own minds and I'd still chose him every single day. I honestly can hardly believe we've gone from those tender early 20's to middle aged and are still going strong. I feel lucky, but not smug because it's been less than a fairytale in parts which is completely normal. It's all been very real.
We humans do like to couple up with out favourite person. We like to grow old with our forever person and so we pair up and hope for the best. It's not easy, but it is worth it and as they say 'the grass is rarely greener on the other side' and 'better the devil you know'.........I could go on, but suffice to say, in all the fog, you both need to be happy and fulfilled. Relationships have to be balanced and thats the difficult bit. Put the work in and see where you end up. I believe in love with caveats. I believe in rolling up my sleeves and doing my bit. I do not believe in fairytales, only fairies. You?