Toronto time.....

our old home

Day 5 in the city that sleeps quietly and yes, I woke way too early again!

I remain hopeful that night 5 is the one!

I'm sure it's not the time difference by now, no it's adjusting to the dulcet rumblings of the concrete jungle and building HVAC system, which appears to have language all of its own. Strangulated pipes and faulty rotors springs to mind, needs some oil and a good bloody kick! It does rather sound like a helicopter struggling to take off. Noise sensitive me doesn't like it at all. I will probably adjust just in time to go home, c'est la vie!

Of course no great trip starts with anything but a soupçon of drama and as we all know these things come in neat little groups of three. Firstly, on the morning of departure for an overnight at Gatwick, he decides he doesn't trust the car and books trains! Okay then! I rolled with it, but of course half way there the very old suitcase decides to drop a wheel and we end up purchasing a ridiculously overpriced one at the airport! We can get two here for half the price!

Rip off Airports eh!

We have a trillion suitcases but weirdly they remain in France or kidnapped by our youngest! Not one half decent suitcase between us, but we made it work! We also had a hefty luggage allowance which was great, but that also meant dragging too many suitcases between us, which should have been an easy journey in the car!

Never mind, my holiday spirit in tact, we get going.

The trains were painless.

Then we get to the overly warm hotel (they are boiling people alive at the Hilton Gatwick) and whilst he's on a work call, I check messages and missed calls, only to find a message from a somebody, trying to trace the relatives of our eldest daughter Beth. Queue the heart drop, racing pulse and that familiar feeling of dread married to the sound of her name. It turns out she has been released early from prison into a private mental health facility, zero warning.

Here we go again.

Of course my first thought is to go and get her, it's sheer instinct but I can't, I mustn't, I won't......I have to fight the strong mothership urge to bundle her up and care for her myself because it would most definitely end badly.

It''s not natural to feel like that and no it doesn't sit well with me.

I'm only now at the stage where I can say out loud, her illness frightens me, she frightens me but I love her so very much it hurts.

Of course the timing couldn't be worse but essentially she's safe and in the best place for treatment, at least thats what the social worker said, whilst also telling me she's leaving the service! So, we will have a new social worker to deal with. Oh dear. The loop never quite completes. She's a square peg in a round hole and keeps falling through that broken sieve of a system, which is consistently dragging her back into the society she cannot live in. In all honesty, she shouldn't live amongst us but she also shouldn't be behind bars. Brutal I know but it's the truth, unless miracles are real, I do hope so?

B can't be fixed, as heartbreaking as it is to admit that, it was B herself that told me that two Christmases ago. She said 'Mummy I will never get better' and I was stunned. She had to tell me what my heart would not accept.

I'm pretty sure I lost another huge chunk of my heart that day.

I now accept that we all have to live beside her illness and not become immersed in it, lost in it, drowning in it. There is no fairytale ending coming our way. Accepting that she will never come home has been hard for us all. Of course we long for her seat at the table to be filled with the sound of her silly one liners and she clearly, heartbreakingly pines to come home every darned day and yet we all know it will never be anything but a pipe dream now.

The grief is real and long lasting. It walks beside us like a dark shadow lurking and menacing.

Anyway, long story short, there's nothing we can do for the next couple of weeks. We rang the hospital and the staff were very vague. So upon our return we will pay her a visit if that can be arranged, see what she need's in the way of clothing and toiletries first aid. Hopefully then we can get to chat with the staff and find out what the short term care plan is? We, from experience know that she will be pushed into a halfway house once considered stable, then gain back some independence, only to round robin straight back to prison, because the system rarely joins the dots and they will all be re surprised that she's hurt someone again.

We will not be surprised thats for sure.

However, we will be forever disappointed, never ever surprised in a mental health system that favours, pushing back severely ill folk into living in the community, no matter what. There isn't a safe and secure option for B and people like her. Her broken wings are further damaged by the unreasonable expectation that every person should live in society at large. It's undue pressure and sometimes it's just not possible, what then?

Some folk need bubble wrapping and bundling away from the trappings of real life. They can't cope. It's not something that can be fixed with pills and 'how do you feel about that'.......It's not going to go away. She's too fragile to try and fit in. We can't keep trying to push it on her regardless.

So we now wait for the cycle to begin again with very little hope left.

We do keep on going, living and finding our joyful moments, of course we do. We have a one foot in front of the other plan, just keep swimming until it makes sense. It may never make sense.

Meanwhile, It's been great being back in Canada and with no pressure to move here. I rather like the city living which is as much of a surprise to me as it is you! Everything on one's doorstep has its benefits.

Thats it for today, my Toronto stay blog won't be ready until around the 16th, so you will just have to wait!

Thanks for listening

D x