a life shock!

After a health scare, it's part of the reality check to understand the fragility of life isn't it? I'm positively sure I'm not the only 57 year old thinking I am invincible, until I'm not.

'Donna love, it wasn't your bus to get on this time' phew, but reality quickly dawns, then the statistics come out to play. I guess I will be very lucky to make it to 87, the average lifespan of a woman in the UK right now. Please, I will try to do better! Only I'm still in my pjs at 9.45 am, tragically. Is there any hope for me?

I do feel a little frozen and by that I don't mean cold.

We don't want to believe we are mere mortals, do we? However, there aren't any mutant variations coming to us soon eh! I'm no Marvel mystery character or caped crusader, so I will be super happy with 30 more summers, just gotta make them count. Anything after that will be grand!

I don't do drugs, I don't smoke but I did drink a lot of quaffable French wine, so shoot me! I eat all the good food groups and cook from scratch and yet here I bloody well am sporting the blood pressure of the near dead! Dear god!

Life has definitely left its pen mark on me.

When I ended up in the resuscitation ward, just days ago, with a blood pressure reading of 245/117, very much expected to crash out one way or another........one, I didn't know numbers like that were possible, two, I was bloody scared and three, I absolutely felt a complete failure in every avenue of my life. There was a four and it was the less than fleeting thought that no one would miss me at all. I don't think I've ever felt so sad, because since marrying at 20 years old, my life lost its own set of controls! No control is never a good thing is it? I wouldn't let my daughter loose control of her own life, so why did I give mine away so easily?

No clue. Love I suppose.

My BP was quite resistant to the drugs and still is, so I guess we are looking at a long term very dangerous health condition, brought on by stress as everything else is clear. My husband of 36 years was sat in the hospital chair yawning and irritated because he was in pain with his neck, also an ongoing health condition, so I asked him to go home. I just looked at him and thought 'omg, this is it? We are just that average middle aged couple, hurtling toward sixty with broken bits and too much stress taking its toll'.

What a cliché!

I don't think I have enough empathy right now for both of us. My emotional and mental health have left the building along with my physical health!

The siren of 'but I haven't done anything meaningful with my life' went off too loudly in the background and as much as I've 'mostly' had fun travelling the world, I haven't really travelled for pure enjoyment yet, it's always been attached to him and his job. I'd like to explore the world on my own terms or at least with a loving, supportive partner.

Too much has been attached to him and his life and not mine frankly. The balance has always been spectacularly wrong leaving me rather spent. My choices have therefore been very limited. It's like I've become an invisible extension of him and I can't say I like it. Never have.

I don't want to sound ungrateful or disrespectful, but as a non working woman since the third child, who put her store in her husband and his career, I now feel very stupid. Also very much taken advantage of. This isn't the 1950's but not a lot has changed for women giving up a career to bring up children; we very much get left behind. I should have been able to get going again but at any given moment, we were on the move again!

The mental toll is pretty harsh. I busy myself setting up house yet and again and then I know it won't be long before we are off! In fact, I now sport a pair of itchy feet that can barely make it past six months.

I've sort of made myself too vulnerable, I recognise it and also I'm a tad miserable if I'm honest, that shining light has dimmed to barely there now. The thought of dying without any great achievement is unpalatable to me. Yes, I had three kids, under some super challenging circumstances. I did my best as a mum, I think I was a proper mummy, often solo whilst he was off doing his thing and I have greatly supported an often ungrateful man but what did I do for myself?

Nothing!

A lot of this is down to not being able to finish anything I started, because we were always on the move. It became a defence mechanism. I saved myself the bother and the heart ache but it hasn't gone away. I am probably half the person I'm supposed to be by now and I'm certainly not the vital, ambitious and gregarious woman he married.

We are both bored and fed up, but I'm also angry because I got left behind and he didn't look behind to catch me.

Do I blame him?

Yes and no. I think men are just plodders and whilst it works it works and I made it easy for him I guess. 3 square meals a day and my unhelpful nagging lists. I'm the home maker and he doesn't ever buy anything that doesn't shout man tool, machine or building material. I get the arse end of horrid supermarket trips, endless cooking and being harangued for Amazon boxes turning up at the house, none of it for me personally. I take on the motherload for everyone. He thinks a home comes in a magic box, built in minutes, phew and no effort required on my part. There's certainly no effort on his side, only if it comes with wheels or an engine! His eyes are pretty shut to the pain I'm in. Also not earning and having to ask for money just stripped what was left of me away. I hate it.

I think the worst thing is, he doesn't try to date me. It's the biggest insult. What am I here for? Just to produce tasty meals? We only ever do stuff that suits him, not me. If he doesn't like anything, we clearly don't do it.

Let me tell you chaps a thing you keep missing! When the kids have flown the nest, you need to invest in your partner more, not less and help them win too!

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LIVE OUR LIVES BACKWARDS AND HAVE FUN! IT'S THE TIME OF OUR LIVES!

I'm writing but constantly looking up at the two granny chairs he brought in the snug when we moved in here. They are a warning! Get them the fuck out of this house! Seriously they look like an ending is nigh!

We ladies aren't here to be a maternal replacement and we don't have to continue doing it all domestically. We shouldn't have to fight for our rights. You are grown assed men and should take on the 50% or more depending on who's working and when. Not just sit there and let it all go stale. It's not just about a pay cheque is it? If it was, it would be a very shallow life.

I don't want the constant mental load of figuring out what to buy, to cook to eat! 400 and odd months of that shit, seriously!

I also don't want to have to remind my husband to talk to me!

I think if stress doesn't kill me, disappointment will.

I do blame him for the French farce, he's knows this. I have forgiven him, of course I have, why wouldn't I? I'm sure trying is better than not, but listening can also stop these big life misadventures eh! I'm too old for that to happen again, we both are. I want to know that I am heard.

As you all know France, was never a love story and in fact I couldn't have been any more reluctant or vocal about if I tried. The house didn't fit my brief in anyway shape or form but he bought it anyway. He really believed I would love it in time. I didn't. In the end it had it's own tragic story and maybe I felt that all along. The thing is, he poured the retirement pot into it and everything he earned thereafter and for what? We've ended up with zero. The losses will be certainly be greater than we could ever have imagined in the end. I did my bit, of course I did, but we are supposed to both have a say and have the same choices aren't we?

The whole French adventure thing was a tower of shit ready to come crashing down at any moment and he didn't hear my warnings, because he didn't want to. Inevitably it all fell apart in the most spectacular way and I was relieved to leave. I really hadn't been living whilst we were there, but that has continued on here, like all bad habits do. It was just ground hog day every day and not my choice, same here because repairing takes as much out of us as failing. There's not really been any choices for me in the nearly 4 decades of marriage, not really a partnership that, is it?

There's this thing about making mistakes isn't there? We need to learn from them and atone for them. Accountability is everything. His decisions took me with him and it's cost us more than just money. Sorry always seems harder for men to say than women.

Do I love my husband?

I think so, how can I not love the bones of my man that goes along with my complex dietary needs? That said, I'd still say not enough to continue in the same vain! To continue feeling like a second class stamp! I have to count as an individual at some stage don't I? I can totally see why the best of unions fail in the later years. Bad habits eh! It's just all to exhausting.

The solution is that I need to love myself more thats abundantly clear. I booked a holiday, thinking it would be good for him and us, especially for his birthday. His reaction? You'd think I'd planted a bomb in a puppy farm, not done something nice, from a good place in my heart. This tells me everything I need to know. That holiday is now cancelled and I've lost half the cost of it, not an insignificant amount. So I'm now grieving the memories I thought we'd make. We needed that holiday. Shame. Some mistakes are seen as bigger than others eh! What irks me is his mistakes have been life changing for all the wrong reasons but me booking a holiday has rattled his cage way more than makes sense to me. It's seriously selfish to deny us a break and something to look forward to after these past few difficult years. The reaction is over the top in the extreme and we havent spoken since.

I think there's a good chance I'm depressed and in survival mode. I am just existing right now. It's painful and it's brutal. My head is full but my body won't co operate. I'm trying to figure out a move that makes sense. The stress of the French fall out has really taken its toll even when I said ' No I'm fine' I clearly wasn't, nor was he. The farm should heal us, but actually I can't walk through the aftermath of France until it's over and done! It won't be done until the house has sold. There's a long path to walk and it feels rather overwhelming still. I still feel trapped.

I heard him on the phone yesterday, with his Canadian client and I knew that I was facing being left behind for long periods again. This is not what I signed up for, none of it is.

I have you all as online pals, thank god for you, but because of the constant moving I don't have a local posse and it hurts. I'm very much alone and that is not helping. The ladies I do know and could meet are miles away sadly and so I have the double dose of loneliness in marriage and in life. The only thing that ever saves me is this.....writing. He doesn't read anything I write sadly, never has supported my online presence and yet I've always supported him even if I didn't agree. I think he thinks my writing frivolous but I can tell you all its life saving. Always got me through anything going on in my life.

He's the only earner, has been for two decades and when that all went tits up, I saw him very differently, not because he didn't earn, no we've had famine and feast many times over the years, c'est la vie, but because of the way he didn't handle it. He doubted himself so much, still does and thats a whole new husband for me. We forget our men are hunter gathers naturally and they define themselves by their work. Of course I was there with a lot of care but I honestly don't think he even recognised my sacrifices.

He's working now but it's taken it's sweet time to get going again and I do feel I've been his battering ram whilst he rights the ship again. It all also made me feel hamstrung, I can't earn what he earns because time and training has passed me by, but I must find a way to be able to take over when need be and help with savings down the line and that means stability is needed. Of course I didn't appreciate the job market being so ageist. It really is. The UK does not revere age at all. It's all about degrees for jobs that don't need them and AI filtering us out for lazy recruiters. People tell me how talented I am all the time, but that doesn't appear to transfer to real life very easily.

My husband isn't a monster, he has many good qualities, but he does need to open his eyes a lot wider. There are two of us in this post France quagmire and we both need to do more than just survive another year, we need to thrive. He needs to help me win in the same way help him win. It's a simple ask. He needs to make decisions based on what we both need now. We can all say it's just about earning but that is super shortsighted. Tunnel vision won't help here, no one died wishing they had worked more and had less fun. The balance is hard I know, but we must try. Head in the sand moments are all too frequent here, I don't like it. I don't want to be left here on the farm staring at the walls, whilst he gads about again. He won't stay indoors waiting, but I quietly fade away.

We agreed a long time ago this wouldn't happen again, but it surely will and thats a huge red flag for me. I won't put whats left of my life on hold for anyone. We either do it together or not at all. We all go or no one does. I'm very clear on that.

We make our beds eh? Should we lie quietly in them? Do you even know me?

No! Absolutely fucking not, I'm not dead yet!

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and when the scales aren't balancing well or too often theres a new crisis everyday we rally together. Thats how it should be! That whatever crisis affects us both and I'd much rather live in a happy, safe and comfortable house not WW3 every day. Good, clear, communication is key to striking that much needed balance and not one person always calling the shots. Some people find communicating challenging and get too defensive, it doesn't help at all.

Men ruin their own marriages by being blinkered and believing the pay slip makes them king. They stop seeing their wives as anything other than tied to the kitchen sink. It's something we all have to work on in our families, the dynamics are everything. Everyone counts.

Money is used to control but it will not a happy marriage make if you are not both on the same page.

I do appreciate our chaps have their own set of challenges, sure, but they usually have a really good support network in their wives and kids. The women are on a constant alert, a rollercoaster of spreading themselves too thin, pleasing everyone and let's not mention the hormonal challenges we face decade upon decade! Caring about each other is what makes it all tick. I think we hit an age where it all seems way too much of a load to carry and we start shaking bits off naturally. Of course chaos soon ensues because the mothership can't sink! If she sinks, everyone does right?

There is no such thing as a perfect life and or marriage, it's all a work in progress every darn day. We either work through it or we move on and I hope very much we can find the missing links, I do.

Look, I can't have a meaningful relationship if I'm fighting to be seen and heard over a screen. It's the scourge of modern life and its so damaging. It's a smoke screen I know. We all find solace in doom scrolling, it uses up less energy than actually dealing with real life events. It's an empty chronic habit that kills natural communication and interaction. It's Satan himself come to play with our minds and it's actually been found to be bad for the brain!

If you are in the midst of pink versus blue jobs, struggling to get yourself heard or seen, understand that at some point it won't work for you and you'll be wondering what the hell went wrong! Probably better to deal with it now as putting up and shutting up costs us dearly in the end, so don't.

Will he and I survive this chapter? Who knows? All I know is that I am at a crossroads.

Love, strength and gumption to you all

D x