Big Girls do cry......

booooo hooooooo

I actually sob sometimes and don't even know why?

Some of us feel deeply about everything and that is perfectly acceptable.

Lately, though my food world has gotten smaller and yes I'm having an adjustment period. 'You'll get used to it' they say and I absolutely know this to be true but meanwhile I shall have a bloody massive paddy!

I cried a lot yesterday.

Another joy lost.

Seriously, we talk about the big five in life and it can be attached to almost anything I guess? In food terms my 'protein' issue is:

Rice

Gluten

Almonds and Cashews

Milk

Eggs

Now do me a favour and spend a week reading the back of every packet you can in the supermarket!

Yep! It's hideous!

The big five are used in almost everything! How do I ever visit a restaurant again?

I thought the Gluten Free life was limiting but now I really know what limited is.

I am bereft.

I would love to sock those that shout 'go vegan' in the face with a wet but very cold fish! Understand this petals, until I am alergic to a big fat juicy steak or it's banned, I will be a happy girl, happy enough anyway!

I am also humbled because I can eat and I won't starve, that's a fact. In that I am very lucky. It's very easy to forget that many people are struggling to buy the basics these days.

I am going to bundle up all my GF products and donate them as they are all bound with rice, milk or egg!

So whilst I moan about not being able to eat out safely, I'm trying to be grateful for what I can eat. Basically I need to avoid most processed food because all of those ingredients are used in processed food! Egg white in gluten free bread? Yes. In fact don't look at the back of the packets, they are an absolute horror story of how we got to all these intolerances , diseases and allergies in the first place.

Mass food consumerism. Food meant to travel and sit on the shelf without going mouldy!

I've already attempted to replace many of the ingredients I can't have with highly processed vegan alternatives and to be brutally honest I've spat a few out. Some swap outs are just a chemically loaded bar of crap! They are designed to mimick the taste of cheese, egg or whatever I'm missing! They are generally disgusting.

I opened a bag of fake mozzarella yesterday and the smell! Sooooo strong like sweating parmesan and feet! Yuck!

Gung ho I dolloped some coconut yogurt in my tuna and sweetcorn and completely lost the taste of the tuna. I also didn't finish the dish despite my efforts to give this nonsense a real go. I don't think I can go the disance and I will just have live like our grannies did! Real fresh food, no additives, binders, colourings or preservatives!

Meat and veggies..........hoping for gravy but we will see!

I can apparently have Ethiopian bread because 'Teff ' is an ancient grain? It's not been faffed with! Tells us everything we need to know eh!

Why am I trying to replace the ingredients I can't eat? Of course I could just eat meat, fish, veg, pulses, fruit, herbs and spices. Absolutely nothing wrong with that!

I guess it's because I like variety. I'm a foodie, a feeder and I have enjoyed my time in the kitchen churning out meals endlessly for the last 37 years!

This whole allergy thing is my Achilles heel! It takes away from who I am.

I've gone from writing for magazines, having my own successful blog 'Humble tart Kitchen', my own magazine to ending up being diagnosed as a celiac nearly a decade ago, to this!

I have to tip toe around food and dream about cake, doorstep egg sandwhiches and a bloody good cheese fest!

I hate my life!

I, of course, knew something was wrong because stomach ache, digestive problems, inflammation and various other ailments were a firm feature of my life despite not eating gluten. Something had to give!

I had the tests.

I really wish I hadn't.

I used to eat fresh air and I would feel like I'd eaten a brick and looked 7 months pregnant no matter what. I couldn't figure it out? It must be one thing! I tried elimination and it didn't work and now I know why! It's because it was a full suite of the big foods not just one thing!

Ouch.

I apparently have an allergy to the proteins in these foods and having been on a health kick lately, I was eating more of the things I shouldn't!

Classic.

Oh well!

God I'm angry with myself, sad and totally lost in the same kitchen that has always been my happy place.

I've lived on chicken stew for 5 days! it was a very nice stew but I need to be brave and branch out!

Yeah, yeah I'm super aware I'm a moaning mini and many people have it far, far worse! I'm an ungrateful beast. Still, I think this whole new life of eating like its the 1940's will take some getting used to!

Baking? Now thats a challenge but I've bought some bits to get a sweet bar made as literally everything on the shelves is a big fat no!

I'm going to make a coconut chocolate cherry bar!

Coconut flour

Desiccated coconut

Maple syrup

Sour cherries

Dark 70% chocolate

Coconut oil

Thank the good lord for coconuts eh?

I will get there and in ten years I'm sure I will have forgotten how hard the initial months were. It will all be 'normal' and I will still be able to feed people. I've managed with the Gluten Free thing, so being everything Free wont be a breeze but I will get it, in the end.

That said it's okay to feel down, tearful, sad and angry because a loss is a loss. Change is hard but life goes on!

Future travel will be wherever there's a meat and veg culture I suppose!

Anyway..........

Love, antihistamines, amino acids and gumption

D x

P.S

Thank you Philip for being my rock to cling to in the rockiest seas x