This has Gotta hurt

........thats life!

.....sometimes, life is like this right, just pants and there's no sugar coating it! Things can suddenly go south a whole lot, all at once and that's why I've not been blogging a lot lately, mainly because I've been waiting for some good news to share with you all, some sunshine. I don't wish to make you worry or feel sorry for us. I also don't deal in misery but I do deal in real life. Always.

We are still waiting….!

Waiting for news that Philip's contract is ready to sign and we don't have to eat into those depleted savings for much longer. They won't last forever sadly, the savings I mean, but we will be absolutely fine. He has struggled with the amount of time he suddenly has on his hands but is cracking on and putting himself to work on the project, which is probably saving us money for a change.

We've cut back everywhere to ensure we can survive and honestly, I don't mind if it gets to beans on toast days, we will get through this hard part together, that’s what marriage is all about. We've been married over three and a half decades and I can guarantee you, we've had famine here and there and also lots and lots of feasts. Feasts where we should have saved more! Haha! Gotta laugh!

Whilst we wait, we are making plans, taking financial advice, keeping on keeping on and I'm in the kitchen more than ever, putting in some effort to keep things interesting. It's my happy place and I relax when cooking, music on, lets go! I'm also helping where I can with the last few house renovation jobs.

Easter was quiet but nice anyway. I do miss the kids, family and friends but maybe next year and who knows where? I'm loving those non April shower days and light food, picky bits in the garden, the first promises of the summer coming soon.

Philip has just been on the phone whilst I'm writing. Update, it's just paperwork holding the contract up. This body needs to do this and that body needs to do that and it's been Easter break of course blah, blah, blah and so on. So we wait some more. He has a job in principle and thats great but until that contract is signed, sealed and delivered we are just in void. All bets remain off, but I think another couple of weeks of this waiting and we will be climbing the walls!

We absolutely must romance our lives, even when things are tough don't you think, even if it's multiple things! It's important to keep busy, not dwell or wallow and be present. Get in the garden and tidy it up, use the stuff you have. Just keep swimming! Upcycle what you can. This morning the barn doors and windows got a first coat of a very happy sunny yellow! It's just the first coat but already the garden feels more put together. I'm just hoping I don't run out of the paint, because I am not buying any more! This period of the renovation is called 'the refinement period'! Tidying up those many little jobs that get overlooked for a long time, but still need doing at some point! I swear I can't walk past the missing door handles here and there anymore!

When times are tough, we use what we have and oddly the urge to buy fades. It's too easy to shop online and anyway, I've no desire to set his parcel delivery PTSD off again!

Luckily we have broken the back of this renovation and it’s just little bits left now and we are very capable of doing those. There aren't any really expensive jobs left to do, unless we wish to do them.

Daily now, we are keeping the momentum going and tackling all those last pesky jobs, leaving a few specialist ones for the much anticipated return of the decorator for a week or so. I honestly think we've taken this house as far as we and our piggy bank can cope with and we have to pick our battles now. I've still got to dress two bedrooms and I will once we've sorted through the storage.

We've also almost cleared our friends barn where we were storing our UK belongings, we just need to go through it all now. Feels good to be getting organised. We may or may not have an international move at some point this year but if it gets too near Christmas, it can wait till January!

If Philip gets his contract sorted, I'm sure he will, we will quickly be back on track and aim to borrow against the home or if thats not for us, we will sell. We have some tax bills to pay and let’s face it, given the amount we've spent versus the French property market, there’s a good chance we will just about break even, if we are lucky. Believe it folks when they say making money on French property other than in big cities is really hard, impossible sometimes. Be in it for the long term as flipping isn't much of a thing here. Again, we were lucky as we bagged this at a rock bottom price and you can't buy an empty cow shed for that little money now. There's always a positive somewhere isn't there? This house was a sows ear and now it's a silk purse and that makes me smile now, often.

Our time in the garden this last few weeks, has been rather marred by the water works building noise and for someone as noise sensitive as me, it's been horrific at times. The work is just outside our house and it's going on till mid May. Last week I listened to jack hammering all day long, most days and it's pretty much the same this afternoon. It is what it is, necessary work which helps us all here with new drainage and safer drinking water. That said I'm really looking forward to it being over! Be nice to enjoy the deck and maybe have a soiree?

Anyway, whilst we wait as patiently as we can, for life to return to some kind of normal, we do have news of our eldest daughter Beth and it's soul destroying. I had to take a little time to process things this time, it's an ongoing grief I suppose. We still get a shock when we hear what she's done. It will never be easy on any of us. Never be normal. Terrible too for her sister and brother, bless them.

Philip and I had a little cry and like most parents we beat ourselves up a bit...could we have done anything different? Not really. It's sad that she continues to be a danger to the public. At the moment she's safe in prison for the second time, which is clearly not the right place for her but we can relax a little bit in the knowledge she's safe. Our minds run often to her release and we are not sure when that will be. In the background I am pushing for her not to be forced back into the community again. It will probably happen anyway, sadly.

We didn't know what Beth had done to end up incarcerated for this last year or so. No one could tell us why, because she's an adult, entitled to her human rights and Beth herself also decided to not share the details with us. In the end the gutter press released the details sometime after her sentence and eventually it was sent to us. It transpires that she took a knife to a shop and tried to rob it. She was under the authorities care when she did this, so imagine that? They know, knew and still she was allowed to live a free life.

Because Beth is nearly 33, I worry about sharing this journey with you but in the end the public need to understand the failings of the system. Most parents try really hard to get the help needed for their kids and young adults, it's an impossible fight. They are mostly left to fail. We fought hard for over a decade to get Beth the right kind of help but got nowhere until she ended up in prison. Even then she was let back into the community and pushed to behave and live normally. Left in progressive step accomodation, more like a hostel really. Not the worst shes been in but also not suitable for her needs. It's a tragedy and whilst we in the Uk have a lot of social care available compared to other countries, it's not enough. It doesn't work and lets face it Arse never seems to know what elbow is doing!

I cannot imagine the fright the staff at the shop got and I'm so sorry that it happened, but it was always going to happen and that's the problem here. Beth is unpredictably violent. The community needs protection from her and she needs appropriate care for the rest of her life. She deserves better.

All sides are being let down by a terribly broken system. I really do not wish to be the mother of an adult that has hurt or killed someone in the future, when it could absolutely be avoided. I note the newspaper didn't mention her mental health struggles again. No surprise! This world we live in just edits the truth doesn't it? The truth is that the authorities know the risks here.

Love & Gumption

D x