Two Weeks in the City of Toronto

is not long enough.....

Good morning on day 7 of 13 back in Toronto, having left in haste in January 2020, to beat the looming Brexit deadline....FFS!

I know I promised a blog mid December, but I do have time to write to you this morning, so let's go!

Here's the thing, If time travel was indeed possible, I would rewind to the early days December 2019, NOT book the removals and decide to stay 'warts and all'. I'm very clear about this change of heart.

The 'come for one year only' was a trap and had set the clock ticking the moment we arrived as the ending was always in sight.

Coming back has shown me exactly what I've been missing.

Truly, with France constantly in our sights back then (..and we all know how that turned out) and having committed to Canada for one year only, we really didn't give it a chance. I now know I will leave here a little regretful and knowing absolutely, that this could have gradually become the home I was looking for all along.

We took a wrong turn.

Yes, it was expensive, so is everywhere else!

Yes, our house was right but the area wrong. We could have changed that!

P's work is centric to here.

We should have let France go.

I haven't forgotten the difficult bits here in Toronto, which were mainly financial, we still had the youngest in a uk boarding school, but moving certainly didn't resolve that financial pressure now did it!

I wish we'd headed the warnings.

'You'll buy a wreck in France, which will take absolutely everything you have and more'.

Don't do that.

'You'll abandon it once finished in favour of peace'.

Shit!

Too late we only went and ruined a good chunk of our lives big time. Set ourselves back 6 years! Now we are late 50's and wondering if we will ever recover?

Sadly, we can't erase a wrong turn but we can think good and hard about the next offerings.

Oh! Hind sight is a wonderful but pointless tool isn't it? All it does is show you where you went wrong! Is it really going to be 6 whole years in January, since we hightailed it outta here?

Yes!

How cruel!

We all know that time stands still for no human but also, the whole Covid thing seems to have pressed some sort of fast forward but stay stuck button which also, seems to have kept us on high alert since. Maybe 2026 breaks the cycle of living in a vortex of uncertainty and weirdness!

It's good to write when I'm feeling emotional.

It is also rather lovely to revisit as a tourist. No pressure. I know where I am. Okay, maybe not quite city transport savvy, but these things take time for country bumpkins like me with no natural internal compass. I will understand public transport one day and also forgetting my driving license wasn't my finest moment eh? I blame H making me put my banking on my phone which meant I ditched my purse! Lol!

We have a lovely beast of a hire car in the monumental underground parking facility, which is more akin to a maze which is mind boggling. I would never find my way out of it and would surely die there, forgotten forever but as I'm not driving, it's all good.

Just had a good ole cry, just as he left early for the office. Why? I'm very tired, exhausted really and the lack of a good 8 hours of sleep since setting off has literally killed me physically and emotionally, I'm toast!

I made it to 5am this morning so getting there but the bed is too soft and my shoulders are killing me. The noisy HVAC takes some getting used to but the 'village' actually goes very quiet at night, so it's not that! I feel terribly out of sorts this last 24 hours and fear for my mental health today, unless I manage a mid morning nap!

Maybe, I'm experiencing the come down from France and all it entailed, finally. I still cannot believe the recent betrayal by our so called legal advocate and friend! The offer to help and file the legal company tax paperwork, was all about stealing money from us and must have been premeditated. I still can't get my head around it, neither of us can. I'm now pretty sure the issue we had with the police harassment there, was in fact escalated because of this man and many of those locals. It's a mafia! Very sad. We trust folk and they let us down in a way that could have caused us further catastrophic legal problems! Why? I guess we will never ever know the motive. It just bloody grotty isn't it?

France was his dream but it very quickly became the nightmare, be careful what you wish for eh?

Canada is a very welcoming country, kind and friendly. They still have their manners thank god. Their cost of living is a tad high and most young folks will never afford a home here, unless there is a property crash. Toronto is a cultural melting pot and everyone seems to be accepting of that fact, which is refreshing.

We've mainly been revisiting our old and favourite haunts. We can branch out next visit, no problem.

Toronto is very obviously festive at this time of year and of course the snow helps. The temperatures have been as low as -12 so far and we seem to get a little bluster of the white stuff every few days, it's utterly magical.

P seems to be suffering wind burn and chilblains but I'm okay so far, I always cope with cold better than the heat. However, we do have to layer up with thermals and it's quite challenging when in a warm building, everything off again!

We revisited our old home, which is much the same except the retaining wall is finished and quite ugly. My dad would be sad to know that the last original timber building left on the estate which used to be a farm, has gone now, replaced by fitting period but modern building.

We are apartment city living this trip. I've never lived in such a concrete jungle but it seems organised and peaceful, except for the fire drill yesterday! Oh thats what the speakers in the ceiling are for!

I barely ever see anyone in the lifts of corridors but there are 800 apartments just in this one building, families, dogs and cats! I haven't cooked here really, just done assembly dishes because I can't work the double wide!

P got contacted by a head hunter in Oz the other day. I could tell he's was vaguely interested but I reminded him that some moves are a step too far for me and that one would end our marriage instantly. Harsh but true. We tried Oz and it was one of the worst periods of my life. No thanks. I couldn't shake the crippling homesickness. However, it goes to show that we need to find a middle ground, a home, stability and then it will all make sense for both of us. We have to accept that some coutries are for discovery and travel but won't suit us as a forever home. Remember I said my big 3 are Scotland, Germany and Canada. That still remains true.

I have a type I think!

We are christmas shopping this afternoon and going out for a bite to eat. Tomorrow we will take a drive out to Midland and on Sunday we will probably go to the theatre. We've already done the Distilery Winter Market which was fab! Next week we have a party to attend and have other folks to catch up with. We met up with P's old colleagues the other evening which was nice. We used to have them over for nourishing suppers that ended up very boozy! Great memories.

I'm very aware that we have lost ground in our lives. It's not a great feeling. We really need to find a path, a way to resolve it and fill that gap.

I have really loved the Gluten Free experience here which was good enough when we were last here but has definitely improved to the point that, I've been able to eat out easily, even grab a take away pizza and not been the dining table problem I'm used to being! That does make this country even more appealing to me!

Anyway, I feel the writing may be on the wall and there's a discussion to be had down the line. For now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my break, then it's home with a bucket of great memories and to get Christmas organised, later than usual but it's okay!

Chat again soon!

Love and gumption, eh!

D x